Humility is no substitute for a good personality. - Fran Lebowitz
I've done the calculation and your chances of winning the lottery are identical whether you play or not. - Fran Lebowitz
I prefer dead writers because you don't run into them at parties. - Fran Lebowitz
There's no equivalent to Mozart in writing. - Fran Lebowitz
I do not believe in God. I believe in cashmere. - Fran Lebowitz
Now, nature, as I am only too aware, has her enthusiasts, but on the whole, I am not to be counted among them. To put it bluntly, I am not the type who wants to go back to the land; I am the type who wants to go back to the hotel. - Fran Lebowitz
All God's children are not beautiful. Most of God's children are, in fact, barely presentable. - Fran Lebowitz
No animal should ever jump up on the dining-room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation. - Fran Lebowitz
I must take issue with the term 'a mere child,' for it has been my invariable experience that the company of a mere child is infinitely preferable to that of a mere adult. - Fran Lebowitz
If you are a dog and your owner suggests that you wear a sweater, suggest that he wear a tail. - Fran Lebowitz
Life is something that happens when you can't get to sleep. - Fran Lebowitz
The telephone is a good way to talk to people without having to offer them a drink. - Fran Lebowitz
When you leave New York, you are astonished at how clean the rest of the world is. Clean is not enough. - Fran Lebowitz
Success didn't spoil me, I've always been insufferable. - Fran Lebowitz
Special-interest publications should realize that if they are attracting enough advertising and readers to make a profit, the interest is not so special. - Fran Lebowitz
Great people talk about ideas, average people talk about things, and small people talk about wine. - Fran Lebowitz
There is one thing that has disappeared, not just from the U.S. but from the entire world, is the idea of ever being embarrassed by anything. - Fran Lebowitz
I figure you have the same chance of winning the lottery whether you play or not. - Fran Lebowitz
Remember that as a teenager you are at the last stage of your life when you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you. - Fran Lebowitz
If your sexual fantasies were truly of interest to others, they would no longer be fantasies. - Fran Lebowitz
Life is something to do when you can't get to sleep. - Fran Lebowitz
If you are of the opinion that the contemplation of suicide is sufficient evidence of a poetic nature, do not forget that actions speak louder than words. - Fran Lebowitz
If you can stay in love for more than two years, you're on something. - Fran Lebowitz
Being a woman is of special interest to aspiring male transexuals. To actual women it is simply a good excuse not to play football. - Fran Lebowitz
Favorite animal: steak. - Fran Lebowitz
In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra. - Fran Lebowitz
The best fame is a writer's fame. It's enough to get a table at a good restaurant, but not enough to get you interrupted when you eat. - Fran Lebowitz
Food is an important part of a balanced diet. - Fran Lebowitz
Ask your child what he wants for dinner only if he's buying. - Fran Lebowitz
Stand firm in your refusal to remain conscious during algebra. In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra. - Fran Lebowitz
Chocolate is an excellent flavor for ice cream but both unreasonable and disconcerting in chewing gum. - Fran Lebowitz
All the time I'm not writing I feel like a criminal. It's horrible to feel felonious every second of the day. It's much more relaxing to actually write. - Fran Lebowitz
Magazines all too frequently lead to books and should be regarded by the prudent as the heavy petting of literature. - Fran Lebowitz
There is no such thing as inner peace. There is only nervousness and death. - Fran Lebowitz
My favorite animal is steak. - Fran Lebowitz
Nothing succeeds like address. - Fran Lebowitz
Vegetables are interesting but lack a sense of purpose when unaccompanied by a good cut of meat. - Fran Lebowitz
The opposite of talking isn't listening. The opposite of talking is waiting. - Fran Lebowitz
I never took hallucinogenic drugs because I never wanted my consciousness expanded one unnecessary iota. - Fran Lebowitz
Your life story would not make a good book. Don't even try. - Fran Lebowitz